Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
