i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
