i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Randomize
