she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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