I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
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I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
When did we convert life to cartoon?
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You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
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