never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
