The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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