Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
