Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
