can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
