if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
time to smoke my breakfast
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
