I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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