I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
