Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
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