i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
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