You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Randomize
