I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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