Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
