You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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