Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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