The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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