I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
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