is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
