ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
