just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Randomize
