Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Randomize
