I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
