Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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