The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
