I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
