The maid of honor just puked.
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
