a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
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