I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
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