Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
