i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
