Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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