I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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