Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
