I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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