I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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