I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
