You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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