he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
