FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
