she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
