I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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