If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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