When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
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