The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I can't turn off my feet"
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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