my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
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Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
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carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
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