I was born with a shot glass in my hand
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
