I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Drunk is a universal language darling
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
