before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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