I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
